Starting Over

Hey guys! It's been a while since I last wrote. I got super lazy there for a minute while I had been unemployed and literally just sat on the couch all day long. I started feeling remotely depressed and even started stress-eating. I want to let you guys in on what has been going on in my life since everything happened, and then I want to talk about self-image. In my previous blogs, I've covered self-worth, self-image and my experiences, views and goals on both; and since my awakening is all about SELF, self-image is something I've been working towards and thinking a lot about.

Since I last wrote, I have started a new job (that I'm falling in love with everyday), I've conformed to an everyday routine (I do best in routine mode), and mentally, I'm doing better than I have ever been. I'm so aware of my emotions and why I feel the way I do, AND I've started to LOVE BEING ALONE; and I truly love this because when you're alone, you don't expect to come home and have dinner ready or the laundry done. If things don't get done, that solely depends on me. Instead of crying in bed at night because I feel empty or because I didn't have anyone to hold and comfort me, I just decided to let all of that negative shit go and focus on what good is going to come out of this hole that I'm in.

No expectations, no disappointments.

I'm not saying that this thing called 'life' is all wrong and that we don't have soulmates or that marriage is overrated and fake....I'm not saying any of that. But when we keep falling into the same cycles with the same people, the heartbreaks never seem to get easier. We lose ourselves through other people, then when we are left on our own, we don't have the slightest clue on how to live. We have to be confident in our own routines, in our own motions, with ourselves, by ourselves.

Almost immediately after my ex had moved back out of state, I tried the dating scene (which I haven't dated anyone new in almost 3 years). I met a few people and liked talking to them, but when it came to actually going on a date, I just didn't prioritize it. I didn't want to take that step yet and wasn't necessarily ready to yet either. I had been unemployed for almost two months, luckily, I saved enough to be able to afford to, but by the beginning of November, I started to struggle tremendously financially. I was working as a medical assistant back in August but had been let go. I've never been fired in my entire life. When my son's father had been home, I found myself making excuses to get off early to go see him; I was late, very often. There was no "work" portion of my life, I brought all of my drama into the workplace. I fell asleep at work - and the truth behind that, is that I had taken more Adderall than I should have, and was coming down from the 3-day binge of no sleep.

I tend to make impulsive decisions when something dramatic happens in my life.

After a few weeks of heavier drinking than normal, and multiple nights of crying myself to sleep, I was just done with it all. I didn't want to live everyday like this and wasn't about to continue.

I self-reflected and practiced self-care.

I did things to make myself feel good - I went to go get my nails done, I changed my hair color completely, I took soothing baths often and spent time to myself in the evening after putting my son to bed. I wrote down all of the moments I had been weak, the emotional distress that I went through had constantly served as a reminder that I am worth more than what I put myself through.

Once I grasped even the slightest bit of worth that I have, the days have gone by smoother, and the nights have gotten easier to fall asleep on my own. I'm going to be okay. All of this bullshit that I've allowed to happen, is only going to serve me as a lesson learned and give me the satisfaction of just how much shit I can get myself back out of.

I went to court for custody of my son in November, this was the first time I had seen my abuser in over 2 months. We had no contact - no texts, calls..nothing. In the court room, he showed no interest in our son or even seeing him, he disrespected the judge and showed that he was not even the least bit patient with this "ordeal." I listened while he told the judge he "had no time for this," I sat there in silence as he showed no interest and thought to myself how I ever even thought he cared for one second.

My best friend (also ex-boyfriend) has come back into my life within the past 4 or 5 months (he is the one who has lived with me in the past, and who I thought could've been my son's father). It was mentally challenging at first for me, just because he had once consumed me, too. I admit that he is my "comfort." As most of you, I'm sure, can relate, our complicated relationship, is 6 years in the making. It's so natural being around each other, not to mention, how much shit life has thrown in our way, we've never failed to let each other break. The reality, for me, is that I truly love him. I don't think that I'm in love, or maybe I don't want to believe I am, because I have such a fantasy of how I picture life with someone else. I'll forever be stuck between don't settle, and trying to depict what's right in front of me before it's too late.

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It's strange to think that I would have no issue committing myself to one person for the rest of my life, and feeling so ready to, but also realizing how far away that part in my life is. I'm trying not to think of it as "disappointing," rather it is actually a good thing. I think some relationships don't work out because we try to change one another. We are all at fault for creating an "ideal" relationship in our own minds. We create an image of "the perfect person." I can admit to many times I've caught myself thinking "I wish he would do that," or fantasizing how I would feel if my boyfriend were to love me in the imaginary way I wanted to be loved.

The problem is, is that we struggle to realize how someone can love us. I'm a physical person, I love to be held and kissed, and shown off to the world. I've been loved before in such an amazing, but unfulfilling way. My ex was never one to get me gifts, not even on Valentines day, we were hardly ever intimate and I had to fight to get him to hold my hand in public. However he did things that took me almost 5 years to realize he did love me, only in his own way. He dropped everything when I needed him, he stayed up and talked to me when I needed to vent, he was just there for me. So here's the predicament: do I "settle" and learn to be loved differently, or do spend my life waiting for someone I made up in my mind.

Part of me thinks that I haven't been "awakened" to what I need to be yet, whether it's realizing that I am in love with someone or realizing that he just isn't the one, is because I'm not yet who I need to be. I've been a broken soul searching for someone to love me, rather than allowing myself to love who I am. Whoever I end up with, is going to get the best version of me; and that's why I think it's SO important to invest time into yourself, it's so important to be so deeply content with your inner self. We can't expect someone to love the raw beauty of ourselves, if we aren't even satisfied with ourselves. That's like asking someone to finish a puzzle with half the pieces.

In my "Awakening Series" I wrote about how I've never established my self worth, and I really focused on how my childhood and relationships were an influence to that. In addition to that, society is also a MAJOR influence and distraction to how we see ourselves. "Today, we often hear phrases such as “All in,” “the community,” and “Together." That reflects the trend from individualism to collectivism." Somewhere along the line, equality became "the same." It’s no secret that people in media are packaged and airbrushed into unrealistic levels of beauty and thinness. We don't want to be beautiful in our own way, we want to be beautiful based on society's guidelines. Although more activists are fighting to "love the skin you're in," we still live in a society that categorizes us depending on our physical features: "pretty," "skinny," "thick," "fat," "ugly." The media is a major contributor to these ideas. "Hottest Man/Woman Alive" it's so degrading. Imagine being a public figure and having photos from your family vacation published with a paragraph underneath that points out the few pounds you gained or comments that terrorize your natural beauty. Not many people want to flaunt stretch marks, flabby skin, double chins, thick thighs, or anything else natural about being human. I became bulimic because I didn't think I was attractive if I wasn't skinny. I had nose surgery when I was 15 because of medical reasons, when I knew that I was getting the surgery, I begged to get the bone on my nose shaved down because I absolutely hated my nose. So at the age of 15, I had gotten a rhinoplasty.

Although I am very happy with where I'm at mentally, I still struggle hardcore with my physical image, especially after giving birth. I was never worth anything to myself because I wanted to be anything either than who I was. I wanted to have the perfect body and be attractive like someone else, I never wanted to be attractive in my own body.

People just don't give a shit how it feels to point out others' insecurities, that goes for BOTH men and women. For the record, I'm not writing to discuss just a women's struggle in society; We often think of women when it comes to the struggle of self-image, however many people don't realize how much of a struggle it is to be a man in today's society. As an adult you tend to realize what is real and what isn't, you realize that you can't naturally look like Kim K., but it's because of how our minds have interpreted physicality at a young age that we still really want to look like Kim K. Society has told us to depend on "likes" as a compliment. Society tells us that social media can create "the perfect life." Society has created a false importance of validation that humans should seek to earn.

Self-esteem is merely your own confidence within yourself. It's a form of self-respect. It's also one of the most important pieces to the foundation of what makes you, you. Like I told you guys before, I'm starting completely over, building a totally new foundation for myself, it's truly amazing. Realizing that I've spent so much time begging someone to love me was a huge direction-changer in my life, and I probably wouldn't have realized or wouldn't be able to start over if it wasn't already loved so much by my son. Children develop based on how or what they see at a young age; I think it's important to teach our young ones the art of self-love and respect.

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I've been really focused on myself, for myself and for my son. Breakups, abusive relationships, loneliness; it all sucks in it's own way. There are plenty of times I catch myself in a daze wondering "how it could be." Your mind can be your biggest setback if you allow it to be. I'm so guilty of catching myself too deep in my own mind that it prevents me from being happy in the present moment.

So I've covered 3 parts to the topic of SELF. Self-awareness is being mindful of your thoughts, emotions, desires; its understanding you. Self worth is knowing your true value, having self-worth is what will help you stray from toxic relationships/friendships. Self-image is a mental picture of yourself, physically and mentally. FOCUS. WORK ON YOU.

THANKS FOR READING GUYS, STAY TUNED - THERE'S MORE TO COME (: