Introduction to the Author

Well hello world! My name is Sydney, but I'm also referred to as Syd, Squid, Squiddie, mom, badass.... any will do. I'm trying this new blogging thing!

I'm not sure how to start this, but I want to give you guys some background about my life, and introduce myself.

A lot of my blogs will probably be based off a past experience or traumatic event that happened sometime in my life. I really enjoy talking about some of the lowest points in my life for the simple fact that, since I've overcome that low point, it now serves me as a learning experience. And since I've created my own website to blog, I've also taken the time to start reading some other pieces that random people have published. And honestly, it's made me really appreciate everyone who decided to start blogging. I appreciated those authors who could write down the words of emotions that I felt but needed help understanding. I really hope that I can do that for anybody who may be in a similar situation that I blog about.

So anyways, this is me... briefly.

I'm 24 years old, I graduated from Ivy Tech Comm. College in Fort Wayne in 2016 with my Associate's in General Studies. I couldn't make up my mind on a career path; it ranged from a cosmetologist, to dental hygienist, to personal trainer.... and here I am, 3 years after graduating, still clueless to what career I want to pursue. I am a single mother of a 17 month old who saved my whole life - which you guys should expect to read about my experiences as new mother. My parents are divorced, which, also, will contribute to its own blog. I've always migrated to anything my mom told me I shouldn't do which led me to some trouble I started experimenting with drugs, alcohol, living the "party life" when I was about 12, I was a rebel in disguise of an adolescent.

I developed eating disorders in 6th grade, I suffered from both bulimia and anorexia. I had always had a twisted image of what my body should look like, as a 6th grader, I should've never allowed myself to focus on every insecurity I had, but because I started thinking like that about myself at such a young age, I've only made harsher judgments about myself every single day

I started to self-harm in 7th grade, it was a silent cry for help that eventually turned into a coping mechanism that I now find myself struggling with when I hit my lowest points.

One thing you guys will read about often in these first few blogs is how my biological father was absent for 10 years of my life due to his choice of drug: methamphetamine. This trauma that I experienced at the age of 9 has really impacted my adulthood more than I thought it ever would that blog will be an interesting read

My life growing up- I don't want to say that I had a "difficult" life growing up, because at the end of the day, I had a mother who busted her ass to put a roof over my head, and not a lot of kids have that anymore, but let me just say that it was easier for me drift into young adulthood than to be a kid and have fun. I saw how my mom reacted when it came to having enough money to put me in sports, I remember being like 10 years old and looking at every price tag because I knew my mom was. Whenever we went out to eat, I picked two things that I wanted, and based my decision on which meal was cheaper. I started to worry about the expenses that we had

An example of how easily it was for me to find out the details adults try to leave out- When my parents were going through a divorce, I had found out my mom filed a PPO, (when I asked her what it was, she lied because it was in my best interest as a child,) however my dad didn't hesitate to go into detail about what a protective order was. I think I was about 6 years old when I could literally explain the sequence of events and name most of the paperwork that is needed for a divorce to happen.

Im still digging deep into my mind to figure out what types of actions I exhibit as an adult resulted from exposure of physical abuse at a young age- I had been exposed to physical abuse of my mother by a few of the men in her life, including my father. For a girl who wasn't even a teenager yet, have to see her mom being held up to a wall by her throat, it's traumatic as hell. When one of my mothers boyfriends had one too many drinks in a night, I found myself preparing a room to lock the 3 of us in so we could be safe. Instead of finding good hiding spots for a game of hide-n-seek, I was finding hiding spots to protect my family.

In school I had been always involved in physical fights. I was a really troubled kid throughout elementary and middle school, I remember getting suspended for threatening to kill someone (WTF- I was in 5th grade). When I started acting out, my mom forced me into counseling, I hated it, I've seen so many counselors, and none of which did anything for me but piss me off.

I matured or stopped acting like a child because I always migrated to the older crowds, and they accepted me because of my maturity for my age.

Growing up Alcohol was a norm for me for as long as I could remember. The majority of my family smokes cigarettes and drinks (probably where I picked up the habit).

Family- i have only one younger sibling who is the opposite of me, both personality wise and physical traits, we've grown apart with age, but neither of us would ever hesitate to have each other's backs when needed.

A big change I moved from Michigan to Indiana 8 years ago because my mother found the love of her life, and I was blessed with a new father. I was given an older sister, and two older brothers, all of which are married with children.

My personality has stayed mostly the same, if anything I've become a lot more blunt and willing to discover someone else's mind

I have really strong morals and beliefs, i think its really important to establish a solid foundation of who you want to be as a person and more so, what you stand for. My belief in God and religious views have really grown stronger over the last 4 years, I pray every single night, and I have no problem being proud of that.

I'm a really outgoing, and free spirited woman. I get a long with all types of people, I don't give a shit what you look like or what you believe in, we can agree to disagree or pick each others minds over wine and a deep conversation; but if you show respect and genuine intentions to me, I'll gladly welcome you into my life.

I'm super open minded, I try to understand everything in atleast 3 different perspectives, I love being exposed to new ideas and learning why someone thinks and acts the way they do.

I currently am a homeowner, I just got fired for the first time in my entire life in August (more details to come)... and I'm just kind of riding this wave, I'm starting over in life and I'm super excited about this new journey.

So hopefully that description gives you guys an idea about my surface as an individual, I'm really an open book!

So i've decided to share my life experiences, opinions, views and personal rants publicly through blogging, (and my personal website). Why you may ask? I want to revisit and share publicly my experiences and how I've dealt/coped with bulimia, anorexia, self-harm, the struggle of fitting in, the incarceration of a parent, experimenting with drugs at an early age, abuse of a parent, getting pregnant at 22, abusive relationships and every little detail in between.

And for the record, this isn't a biography... how boring would it be to share a sequence of events in your life if you aren't going to elaborate if you learned something or not? Not me.

Lately I've really invested my energy into self awareness, and the psychology behind the brain, and I'm really excited to write this shit down and get it out to the world to hopefully blow someone else's mind. So the reason for all of this is I've had this weird "awakening" as I've been referring to it as. The only way I can think to explain this, is the fact that I have been living in clouds.. or fog, but so unaware of it. I've always thought one way, my thinking has been altered somewhat with age and new experiences, but for the most part I've thought I've always held this clear image of what my life is and what makes me, me. I've always thought my thinking has been clear, that my head is on my shoulders, but last month after a fight with (we will just say ex-boyfriend), it was like 8 o'clock in the fricken morning, I hadn't slept yet and I'm sitting on a picnic table at my parents house, and all of a sudden it was like the clouds cleared out, it was only a pure, blue sky; the fog lifted and I could see the road. I understood my thinking and WHY, I became aware of why I've chosen the relationships I have, why I haven't been able to understand this sooner, I realized that I've covered up a void so much that I thought I had coped and come to terms with the issue. I've been awakened to my nonexistent self worth that I always thought I had established. Like so many issues that I've subconsciously struggled with, in which became a huge downfall to my growth as a person, had a light shown on them.

I've really allowed this "awakening" to absorb itself in every single thought, emotion, or belief that I possess. I've taken the time to think and reassess my whole life; and that brings me back to the reasoning behind my interest in blogging. I want to share how I've thought prior to, and really analyze myself and understand every event that has led me to this point today. I just don't give a shit to have secrets anymore. I want everyone to know my story, only this time, I'll be the author. And let's make this clear, I don't feel like I have to explain myself, that's not why I'm writing. I want my website and posts to be completely transparent, I want everyone to see who I am, I want everyone to read about my struggles, about the times I've dug myself so deep into the ground that I thought about taking my own life, I want everyone to see the highest points in my life, and, most of all, I want to inspire, I want to create a hope for those who feel empty, are struggling from abuse, who feel so damn lost in this huge world; if I can motivate even one person to get off their ass and change something in their life for the better, then this stupid blog idea will be worth something to me. I want to ask that whoever reads my future blogs, keep an open mind, this version is raw, and probably not something an 11 year old should read. Also, you can write me and tell me absolutely anything you want, how dumb I am, if you like my posts, advice, suggestions, I'm open to everything. I hope you guys are just excited as I am to read. Below are a list of sneak peeks of what is to come.

Blog #2- The awakening (In this blog I will really go into depth about my most recent relationship (or whatever), the emotional, physical, and mental distress that I allowed someone to cause me, I will reveal the true version of my pregnancy, and lastly, I'll talk more in depth about my light bulb moment, how it came to me, discovering it's meaning. This blog will be pretty long, so prepare for a two part series. Blog #3- Step #1 (This one has been so exciting to write and edit. I've been discussing the steps I've taken so far on this new journey, how my thinking has changed and how it has not, my goals and just how much clearer and happier I've been within myself. This blog focuses a lot on self-awareness, self-worth and the beauty of starting over.)